"The Three Truths About Mom Guilt"

A good friend of mine and I were recently texting back and forth about motherhood and she expressed to me how she felt guilty for having two perfectly happy healthy children that she didn't deserve, and basically that she was not doing enough or being enough as their mom. This is a phenomenon known as mom guilt and while I don't have any actual data to back it up, I would venture to say it affects 100% of good moms at some point in their lives as moms. Mom guilt is debilitating, it is what keeps us up at night when we give our kids milk that expires tomorrow or even worse, expired yesterday. We know it is only a matter of time before dysentery sets in and we make the Fox News morning report as "world's worst mom." We toss and turn and lose sleep and check in on our kids, losing the few precious hours of sleep we have, only to find them happy and healthy and asking for more of that same expired milk the next morning. We, of course, would never dream of giving them this potentially deadly milk, so we pour it into our coffee and continue our day.  Mom guilt makes us strive to be and do all that we can for our kids but feel bad when we work too much or not enough, when we are too strict in our rules or not strict enough, and when we can't seem to keep up with our fellow moms. 

There are three ultimate truths that you need to understand when it comes to mom guilt...

The first  is that in order to be afflicted with mom guilt you must already be a good mom. It's a lot like testicular cancer, you can't get it if you don't have testicles. Bad moms don't suffer from mom guilt.  So, rest assured, as you are questioning your choices, losing sleep, and comparing yourself to all of those Pinterest moms out there (no offense meant because I am one of those Pinterest moms) you are already a good mom. 

The second is that you are the right mom for your kids. Seriously let go of some of the guilt and know that no one is more suited for your kids than you, no one can do it better for them than you. Even when you feel like the worst mom in the world, you yelled, you screamed, you let them eat 4 string cheese sticks and a pack of M&Ms for dinner; you are their very best mom for them. I promise.

The last truth of mom guilt is that how you thought it would be and how it actually is will never match up; that doesn't mean that it can't be amazing. Let go of the way you thought it would be and open your eyes to how amazing it is. The truth is that what you always pictured could never compare to what is right in front of you happening every day. In my wildest dreams of parenting I imagined camping trips, and family movie nights, muffin making, and Boy Scouts. What did I have tonight after the screaming toddler dust settled? A 2 1/2 year old who can sing every word of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and is handing me a stack of at least ten stories saying "read these to my couch mommy." I know what he means is read them to me on the couch, and I also know that I never could have imagined this moment no matter how hard I tried. 

Smiles in between stories 

The first of many...

This weekend was an amazing weekend of firsts at our house. Liv walked for the first time and completely amazed all of us. She just hit ten months and let's say does not have the body of a walker quite yet. She has, however, become unstoppable! Now, not to be outdone by his sister Case used the potty for the first time, and to say he was proud was an understatement. I am pretty sure that someday when he accepts the Noble Peace Prize it will in no way compare to his excitement of going on the potty; worry not, his mom will be there to share this tidbit with the presses.

Sitting down after her walk, she looks like a porcelain doll. 

Seeing so many things out that window for the first time.

I started thinking about how exciting firsts really are and the memories they cement in our hearts and minds forever. I cannot remember a lot of things in my 31 years of life but my first kiss, the first day I got  my driver's license, the first time Curtis told me he loved me, the first time I saw Case and Liv, my first day as a nurse, first day in the Army, these memories are as vivid as the day they happened. Don't believe me...

Brandon Welch, Sadie Hawkins dance Serrano High School, freshman year. We got married at the "hoe down" and I still have the ring. It was my first kiss and my first tongue kiss all at the same time.

My dad kept me home from school to take my driver's test at the Victorville DMV. I was wearing a teal Roxy shirt because I knew it would look great in my picture, and I was confident in my abilities. I got to go in late to Mr. Gregory's Algebra II class and announce to all my friends. I had to wear a white sweater over my teal Roxy shirt when I went back to school because the spaghetti straps were against the dress code.

Curtis told me he loved me in the bathroom of his Floyd Street house at a party, all I wanted to do was pee.

Case? I remember thinking "who is this little blonde haired boy with the perfectly round head?"

Liv? I remember thinking "another blonde? I am so sorry about your head" she had the worst cone head in the history of heads.

I wore a Mighty Mouse t-shirt the day I left for the Army.

I was an Army Nurse, MAJ Norman was my head nurse and her hair smelled so strange to me.

I know that Case and Liv will not remember these milestones, but I will always carry them with me. There will be so many more firsts for them, but how many more firsts will I have? My new firsts are completely intertwined with them, as are all of my future memories. I wonder though when was the last time I did something for the first time? What things have I been waiting to do? More importantly why have I been waiting? What is holding me back from creating new "first" memories?

When was the last time you had a first? 

"hold my hand, melt my heart"

This last weekend the Kelly family participated in the Great Strides Cystic Fibrosis walk.  Although the kids are too young now there is something very nice about surrounding them with community and awareness. 

The sun was shining and the crowd was filled with shades of purple (the cystic fibrosis awareness color). Liv was my little social butterfly, all smiles for the crowd. Case was in an especially two year old mood as we met up with our team. He whined and cried and refused to do anything but pout by the stroller. I was a little disappointed because I had hoped he would play with his friends from daycare and be charming and wonderful with the adults (sometimes I forget who I am dealing with). 

Then something amazing happened, the walk started and Case's demeanor completely changed. He started walking in that big crowd of people, we lost our group to include Curtis and Liv, we were of course walking at his tiny leg speed, but Case was smiling. He was chatting with people walking by telling them about alligators and monsters, he was running small bursts with other kids that came by. He said "look mommy, I go faster and faster" and every now and then he said "come on mommy, hold my hand." That kid can push me to my breaking point and melt my heart all in the same moment. I started thinking about why we were at the walk; we were walking for my friend Tammy's Godson who is living with cystic fibrosis.  I remembered how lucky I am to have not one, but two healthy kids. I remembered that somewhere a mom is wishing that her child was well enough to be a "terrible two year old" wishing her child had lived long enough to be a "terrible two year old." I remembered there is no guarantee in this life that Case will always be healthy, all that can change in an instant. I looked at Case and thought about him; maybe he isn't so terrible after all. 

He is however extremely sensitive and cautious of the world. He is unbelievably smart and funny but only once he trusts you enough to let you see that. He isn't terrible, he is selective, a tiny little man who knows what he wants and what he doesn't want. 

Case walked the entire mile and I have never been more proud. I always refer to Liv as my joy, but Case, he is my pride.

Who or what are you taking for granted that someone else might be wishing for?

Thanks for Nothing Cinderella...

I suppose it isn't entirely too surprising that all over the world girls both young and old are getting their hearts broken on a daily basis, and I will be the one to say it; I blame Cinderella. From as far back as I can recall I have known the story of Cinderella, a classic for all tiny princesses. Cinderella captivates the prince in just moments, he is the most handsome and the richest of men; he is, of course, a prince. He in turns searches high and low to find her and rescues her from her life of oppression and servitude for the good life at the royal palace. 

Cinderella is a magically, wonderfully, incomplete story of love. 

It is no wonder that at 16 I was prepared to be "rescued" by my prince. My boyfriend at the time promised me all the riches in the world, the castle to live in, the happily ever after, and as a bonus he would free me from the prison that was my parents. At the time, this seemed a fabulous idea, it worked for Cinderella right? It is a wonder that I did not lose it all in the quest for my Cinderella story because I almost walked away from all I knew and loved at the time and ultimately ended up broken hearted. 

It was again no surprise again that when I met my first husband who was the total "Prince Package" that I married him even though I knew it would ultimately end. My head told me it was a mistake but marrying him made me Cinderella. I got the beautiful gown and the beautiful pictures to place together in my very own Cinderella story book (purchased for me by his mom of course). The problem is that Cinderella doesn't teach us what to do when Prince Charming sleeps with another girl, hurts us physically or emotionally, or makes us forget our worth. Cinderella doesn't teach us how to walk away from the wrong man and fight for the right one. Cinderella is failing her tiny princesses everywhere. 

I don't mean this to sound cynical by any means, because I want Liv to believe in fairy tales and happily ever afters, I just want her to believe in real life versions. I want her to know that love is not always fancy dresses, magic wishes, and being rescued; that Cinderella has to make sacrifices, openly communicate and be honest and loyal to Prince Charming. I want her to know that Prince Charming's come in all shapes and sizes and that there is more to love than looks, money,  and the size of his castle (ha, ha get your minds out of the gutter, this is sweet, not dirty).  I want her to know that even though he may not always love her exactly as she had planned it doesn't mean he doesn't love her with all that he has, and that he is worth fighting for. And even when she finds her Prince Charming and realizes he is not quite the man she had pictured in her dreams, he might just be her happily ever after. 

For the record, I found my Prince Charming, how about you? 

I HATE running!

For the last ten years I have hated running! I hate getting dressed to go in those shorts with the lining that never fits quite right, and a sports bra that flattens my already flat chest. Then once you get going there is the ground and pound on your joints and that hurts and then there is all the sweating. Of course, let's not forget the judgement of all the other people passing you by at the park. Endorphins, shmorphins....running is not for me, or at least, it wasn't for me.

As it turns out for the last ten years I must have been running with my eyes closed. Because today, when I laced up my shoes and headed out the door I opened my eyes and saw some of the most amazing sights that I ever could have seen all in a matter of 30 minutes.

I saw my past...

I saw a woman making her way around the park trying to get in shape because her doctor explained to her that being healthy would improve her chances of conceiving a child; no doubt her head was filled with baby names and future nursery themes. I remember being torn between a Dr. Seuss nursery, dinosaurs, or pirate monkeys for Case.

Then there was the 9 month pregnant woman making her best attempt at power waking in an effort to get labor started; surely the desire to meet her little girl and the exhaustion of being pregnant was her motivation. I walked that same track trying to get Liv out, I was so tired of being pregnant and I couldn't wait to see if I finally got my little brunette baby (p.s. I didn't by the way).

There was a woman pushing a stroller with a newborn baby struggling to shed that baby weight for the summer season not realizing that she has a baby now and no one is looking at her, they are all looking at that perfect little person in the stroller.

I saw my present...

A secret society of women just like me; busy moms loving just a few minutes of alone time but still feeling a little guilty for taking time for ourselves. We share a glance as we pass by, the kind of glance that acknowledges our struggles, compliments our hard work and seems to say "I feel your pain, I respect you, and you rock" all without saying a word.

I saw my future...

A woman running around the park with her 10 year old son on his bike yelling "come on mom, pick it up!"I could almost hear Case, and I am sure he would be using something as a sword to joust me around the track.

Then there was the woman running side by side with her teenage daughter talking about the prom and high school graduation next month. I couldn't help but think about what color prom dress Liv would pick and where she would decide to go to college.

And then there was an old man and an old woman walking together hand in hand enjoying their time together. I have no doubt that in all the craziness of the world they only saw each other at that track as they walked for their health and the hope of just a little more time together. I saw myself and I saw Curtis, grey hair and wrinkles, sharing laughs about our grand kids.

Then just to prove that life is comedy, a woman came roller skating by with a broken arm in a purple cast.

As I came around the corner back to the house I completely forgot about my flat chest because I was focused on my fit body, and the fact that it was strong enough to get me all the way around the park two times. I didn't really mind the sweat and I guess I somehow missed out on the ground and pound. It turns out that the thing I spent so long convincing myself I hated I actually love. As for that judgement, no one was judging me, they were each having their own experience, making their own memories. I was just an extra in their life just as they were in mine. For ten years the only person judging me while I was out on a run was me.

Where could you turn hate into love if you only opened your eyes? 

Sweat and all! 

The park where I learned to love running

Free to Choose...

One of the first people I met when I started my nursing career was Ms. Loresa Crawford. She was a tough as nails, no nonsense night nurse who taught me how to treat a patient that has had too much morphine, how to pair chicken and waffles for the perfect meal, and most importantly she taught me about the power of choice. I once asked her how she maintained her positive attitude and most importantly how she managed to continue to look 20 years younger than she actually is. She told me "no one commands my day but me." She explained to me that we cannot chose what happens in our life, we can only chose how we react to it, that we are the product of all of our choices. It is easy to focus on what is happening in our day to day and forget that our life is full of choices. It's easy to feel stuck and get focused on the things we feel we "have to" do but the truth is we are free to make choices every day. I must borrow from one of my favorite books Life's Greatest Lessons, 20 Things That Matter by Hal Urban to highlight our freedom of choice, remember we are free to choose...

"We're free to choose our character-the type of persons we become. We can allow ourselves to be molded by others and our environment, or we can commit ourselves to self-development. We can become less than we're capable of, or we can become all we are capable of.

We're free to choose our values. We can let the media tell us what's important, or we an decide for ourselves. We can base our standards on what others are doing, or we can base them and what we know is right and good. 

We're free to choose how to treat other people. We can put them down, or lift them up. We can be self-centered and inconsiderate, or we can be respectful, kind and helpful. 

We're free to choose how to handle adversity. We can allow ourselves to be crushed, to give up, and to feel sorry for ourselves. Or we can choose to look for a source of strength and persevere, and to make the most out of what life deals us. 

We're free to choose how much we'll learn. We can look upon learning as an unpleasant duty or as a great opportunity for entering ourselves. We can be closed-minded or open-minded; we can be stagnant, or we can grow. 

We're free to choose what we'll accomplish in life. We can allow our circumstances or other people to determine what we make of ourselves, or we can choose our own directions and goals. We can be undisciplined and lazy or we can be self-disciplined and hardworking. 

We're free to choose our own belief system. We can ignore our spiritual nature, or we can accept it as an important dimension of life. 

We're free to choose our own purpose. We can wonder aimlessly, or we can search for a meaning in life, and then live according to it. We can live to please only ourselves, or we can find a cause that's greater, one that helps us understand and appreciate life more fully. 

We're free to choose our attitude regardless of circumstances." 

And lastly, from the book of me, we are free to choose who we love and how we love them, how we give love and how we receive love; we are free to love by choice and not by chance.

What will you choose today? 



The words and the "why" left unsaid...

My mom died when I was 19 years old, after a long and painful battle with breast cancer. It was, and still remains, the most painful experience of my life to date. In the 12 years since her death I have never once regretted not telling her I loved her, but I have regretted not telling her why I loved her. In fact, as a teenager I spent a lot of time telling her why I hated her and I am not sure that I ever repaired those wounds I inflicted by telling her why I loved her. I think it is a common regret when we lose someone. It is not that the person didn't know we loved them, obviously my mom knew I loved her, but it is the "why" the "love because" that went unsaid that leads to regret. It would stand to reason that because of this experience I would be better at telling the important people in my life why I love them and yet I am chronically complacent about it.

Perhaps we don't tell the people we love why because we have this belief of immortality, that those we love will never leave us, and that we will never leave them. I think things are left unsaid because we always assume there will be time to say them, but the painful truth remains that time is never a guarantee, not our time and not their time.

Now, following my mom's death my father remarried a wonderful woman named Lorrie, who had recently lost her husband to lymphoma. My dad moved into her house where her and her children lived and she turned it into our home too. She filled the halls with our childhood pictures, with pictures of my mom. She did everything she knew to try to make us a part of the family. Now of course, my brother, my sister, and I gripe over all of our childhood memories that were yard-saled  and thrown away during the merging of the households, but as a mom myself now I know that not everything can be saved. Lorrie organized boxes of our childhood photos and put them into photo albums, the photos weren't thrown away. She was there at my first wedding and did her best to support me through a painful divorce. She pinned my nursing school pin on at my college graduation, and I don't think I have ever known anyone as excited to become a grandma. The stockings that hang for Case and Liv at Christmas time were made by her with love. She also makes my dad happy, she kept him from being alone, and kept me from having to worry about him. She gave me a gold cross before I deployed to Iraq that her mom had given her. My mom hasn't been here for my adult years because she couldn't be and Lorrie has been here but doesn't have to be.

We don't always agree on everything, don't get me wrong (especially when it comes to my step-brothers) but I can say 100% that she has done the very best she knows how to. Do you think she knows that I feel this way? Maybe, but if she does, it isn't because she heard it from me.

I think I fall into the trap of waiting on others to take action and then blaming them when they don't make the effort. I have used every excuse when it comes to making an effort, "well they never call" or "they don't visit enough" or "they don't write or send gifts" always followed by "so why should I?"  It's important to remember that it has nothing to do with our effort verses someone else's effort, especially when it comes to family. Our family may not always be who we want them to be, but we can always be who we want to be. We only have the choice in our actions not those of others.

Reminding myself of this, I chose to write Lorrie a letter. As I sat and wrote my words to her I realized how much I cared about her and how little effort I have made for her lately, especially since having kids of my own. It made me realize how many people in my life I stopped making an effort for, or maybe never started making much effort for. Is there someone in your life who would benefit from your effort?

I regret not telling my mom all the reasons why I loved her, my "because," who would be your regret? 

"Case, I love you because..."

A few weeks ago I was at my wits end with Case. I'm talking, I was already drafting my Craigslist add:

2 1/2 year old blonde hair blue eyed boy seeks forever home with great patience and understanding. He is up to date on all shots but not yet housebroken.  Pictures upon request, rehoming fee applies.

I cried, I screamed, I prayed that the sky would rain Xanax...alas nothing but clear skies. It was then I came to the realization that Case was every bit of two and maybe my greatest chance for success, and by success, I mean sanity, was to change myself. The very next morning when I woke up at 4:30, and by that I mean when Case walked in my room, turned on the light and said "mommy, lets please be awake" (he has phenomenal manners before dawn). I picked up my phone and set my alarm to go off every 15 minutes for the entire day. I told myself that no matter what was happening I would stop what I was doing and tell Case "I love you Case, I love you because..."  My intent here was 100% selfish because it wasn't to make him feel love but to remind me of my love for him.

So I did it, in the middle of laundry, in the middle of tantrums, in the middle of Walmart. Let me tell you it is easy to say I love you, but to tell someone the “because” of your love is difficult. I am not saying it is hard to think of the reasons but it is awkward to say them out loud. The first 15 minute alarm I stopped Case and I said "Case, I love you because you are such a good big brother," it was painfully awkward to say it out loud. The next alarm I stopped him and said "Case, I love you because you are so funny, and you make mommy and daddy laugh." I did this for 16 hours; I only missed 2 times and that was during a short nap in which I whispered to myself, "Case I love you because you are asleep."

At the end of the day two amazing things came out of this project. The first was that every time that alarm went off Case would look at me and wait for his "I love you because," although my motives were selfish I made an amazingly positive day for Case. The second was that at the end of the day I was happy. I wasn't stressed out at him. I deleted my drafted Craigslist post, and I was more in love with being his mom than ever. I want to say that this drastically improved his behavior, but it I didn't, it drastically improved mine.

I challenge you to go ahead and give this a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 Let me know how it turns out!